Ng,
You could have a lot of fun today picking up one of those books that teach you how to fix up your home. You have been watching a lot of those television shows where people tear up and redo their homes - just remember it is not as easy as they make it look. -fb
Yea I do wanna paint my room, tear everything up and throw everything out.
I keep wanting to blog about my birthday celebration but I am not in the mood to. It's supposed to be a happy post, for God's sake.
I snapped at Nelm when he smsed me stuff about cheering up and not to think too much abt results (sth along those lines). I was just freaking angry already because I was seriously okay about my results, and everyone made it out to be super bad.
1. I didn't feel anything before collecting results. 2. When in front of Ms Chua lining up for results, I still didn't feel a thing. Not a damn jitter. 3. After Ms Chua flashed my results to me and I saw them before I could prepare myself, I couldn't feel a thing. Even if I wanted to. What a waste of pent up emotions waiting inside to be released when I get my All-So-Awesome results.
I didn't feel a thing. Nor gave a sheet, to be exact. Maybe cos I know since birth, life has been handed to me on a silver platter and my life in future, though not all roses, was definitely not gonna be a dump. So...no point worrying.
And my worst fear about not getting an A for GP and actually failing a subject didn't come true, so when I saw my results, I actually felt elated. Sorry bout the total lack of self-respect when I say this. I bet some would grimace in shame for me.
But c'mon. I spent two years studying 2 hated subjects in a hated school and passed. I am freaking good. I didn't crumple and die halfway.
Oh I was kinda getting my hopes up about getting an A for GP or lit, but when I looked around me that was AJ, something just deflated in me.
I mean, this school has been the worst experience of my life. Yes I learnt so much. But even the little things no one thought could go wrong, went awfully bad for me. Even the things I took for granted. Especially the things I took for granted.
And you know what they always say. Studies main part of school, yadda. So do the math. High freaking chance this was gonna be the major disappointment ever. Equals zero expectations. Equals no unnecessary hopes. Equals happiness at results!
Then people started the...what shalI call it? Condolences.
Sympathetic messages, messages of frantic enquiry. Pitying looks and patronising manners.
Which made me feel guilty. Was that all I thought myself capable of? Passes? Couple of measly As?
People thought my situation bad enough to contemplate suicide and I was joking with W in an ice-cream palour? Oh God. What the fuck? I'm such a fucking loser.
BUT. I thought what I did to get my As. Nothing. I monkeyed ard and slacked. Had sleepovers and played during As. Went for aimless walks and admired trees. Moped and thought there was nothing to life. Studied and nothing went in.
I put in 20% and got 50%. In actual fact, I had done it. I had put in sheet, and gotten something that wasn't too dumpy.
I knew my elation wasn't unjustified.
Now, damn those people. To be fair, I had told everyone I was fine. I happily joked about HZ's bald head and people's girlfriends. I talked about who slimmed down and who grew fatter.
Suddenly, I got all the condolences (says it with a sneer like it leaves a bad taste in the mouth). Was I in such a dire strait that I had to kill myself? No. I was freaking happy. And my outfit that day was good.
So what's up with those msgs? Do I look like I'm pretending to be happy? For? I wailed in front of half the choir, not once but twice. if I was sad, all I had to do was cry, damnit. Why would I joke abt bald heads if I felt like shit? I would've just run off; high-tailed all the way out and have zero contact.
I mean, of course some think in the way they behave. But I'm not good at faking others.
So people started spreading around that I did badly, yaddah, so please! Everyone, go msg her, remind her that she did badly, she doesn't have to think about where the hell she can go, or in the case, can't go. And oh! Tell her to cheer up and that there isn't anything to feel sad about.
One small problem. She seems happy with her results. Are we being such utter hypocrites? Seriously! She didn't do that bad? Then why the hell you message in the first place!
Cos you thought her results were bad enough to go into depression. Cos you thought it would seem kind to message sympathy messages. Cos you thought you'd have a chance to tell your results, and by some small chance (given that you only occasionally top the class while she frequently scrapes the cohort's bottom) actually lord it over her. Cos you thought she cared.
Well you thought wrong.
So sorry Nelm, wasn't meant to be a full-out thing on you. You just happened to message, wrong time, wrong target. Thank the person/s who went around telling people I was depressed,please.
