Sunday, Jul 26th, 2009 -- You are intrigued by the idea of digging into an emotional issue that may be preventing you from taking a relationship to the next level of intensity. But your attraction is not enough, for as you get closer to your feelings, it becomes harder to talk about them. Although you are usually able to let your emotions wash over you without fear of drowning, it's wise today to keep your head above water until you figure out exactly what to do next.
-tarot.com
Ooh hello dear neglected people! You haven't heard me rant for so long I bet your ears have shrivelled up. Pardon me for assuming that's the only weird things you hear.( Though being in AJ, that's not such a stretch of the truth)
So basically I've been crazy. Yea. Hopping mad, I tell you. Or Castro'll tell you. Or anyone brave enough to come near me. Ups and downs and upside-downs. You name it, I have it.
Have you wondered what's it like to go so high up over a swing that you flip across it? I'm kinda thinking you'd continue winding yourself on the top bar. Unless you fall and break your back first.
I've been playing on the swings in amk park. Now its taken away! Probably on account of the bar being loose and the whole frame shakes when you swing and you have a feeling it'll break any second, taking you sailing over the trees. Well, it's gone now, so perhaps it's finally broken. Or some fatality occured. Well. That's too bad. Castro and me loved playing on it. CH took a photo too! So fun. Love my class.
So what else have I done? I don't know. Really.
I stil have funny feelings abt granddad. I mean it might've been because I woke up and thought abt him when he died. Or perhaps my name is the only name he rmbs out of all the cousins. (Yea, seriously)
I rmb the adults all looked at me like I was mad. Cos they were talking abt him not being able to breathe and then he died.
"Must've been difficult."
Then I piped up, "No, he was very happy. Peaceful. He was very satisfied."
Then my parents said I was talking nonsense and tried to throw me out of the room. Then I was pushed out, but not before saying that I dreamt about him, and he was fine.
"He'd want you all to know he was happy."
I could see them crying.
This raw grief,
I didn't think it'd go away.
Gnawed away
Last vestiges of my heart.
Maybe that's why it doesn't hurt anymore.
I still rmb how he shouted at this guy in the ward who asked to go home with me. Yea GO HOME WITH ME. Like if he were 10 it's be kinda cute. But he was like 28?! Seriously. Weird. Lucky my granddad shouted, "What are you doing! Stop it! You(*points to me) come back here!" Well he could still shout. Note that lungpower. I love that man. I was getting spooked by that guy who was insisting I was from his church. And he was cornering me to that bathroom. I think if granddad didn't come to my rescue I'd have stabbed him with that paring knife.
So, I didn't say it that time, but, thank you granddad. Whenever I go to hospitals I'd think of you, and how you shouted in that small room. And how you made me run around the hospital finding orange juice. And being pissed when I pretended there weren't any and came back with hot tea. (But you were coughing!)And how you always rmbed my name and called the rest of them, "Eh." How you knew I never took chrysanthemum. How you always opened the cat tin because you knew I wanted to feed the cat. How you forced the cat to eat though obviously she wasn't hungry. How you let me know you were happy before you went.
Thank you.Labels: disappointment, friends, happy, hate, love, sad, school
Sometimes we have to lower our expectations.
With hope comes pain,when our expectation is not fufilled and what is left is bitter disappointment.
You told me to cry is good, because it shows you care. But not over you. It's obvious you don't give a damn. I'm sorry but it's true.
`
First time blogging after SYF! GWH. Last post so long ago. Seriously, I feel like so much (shit) has happened. I have so many things to say,that I end up not blogging at all.
So.
Happ(ier)y things.
1. My bro knows, amazingly, that I am depressed and got me mars bars and kinder bueno. I told pam he'll be a damn good bf.
2. Class outing today! Those who didn't go for no reason (Eric!), automatically got disowned. Hahaha.
Manhatten Fish Market at Dhoby is surprisingly not nice. Fish too oily, lemon tea too sweet, calamari not even near good. Service was fine though.
3. BC stuff finally settled. Thank goodness.
Weird things.
1. I have headaches everyday now. Isn't this the HOLS? Freaking hell.
2. During pe when I was stoning, Yufen walked past me, *does hand signal saying, "Come back." Then she said I snapped back and listened to Mr Lim talk without even seeming heard what she said. And the thing was, I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR HER! I didn't even realise I was stoning.
3. Ate at the cafe at amk library with Castro and Tutor! XD Then we went to play swings. Yayy. The 3rd swing was swinging by itself for awhile. Gave me a sense of deja-vu. Or deva-ju(lol,Diy). Then Castro scared me! Stupid woman.
4. I think the lift at my house adores me. Everytime I walk up to take it, I don't have to press the button cos it automatically opens for me. Almost all the time.
I sound mad, but the lift is always there for me, sends me home safely and protects me from lots of things. I can sometimes almost imagine the lift blowing me gently on the top of my head (air ventilator).
The only time it was cranky and trapped me inside, I wasn't scared, which was kinda weird. My first thought was,"No! My noodles'll get soggy!"
Then,"Shit, the lift's stuck."
But the lift's the first thing I see when I go out, and the last thing I see when I come home. I so depend on the lift ensuring my safety (The only person who would care - my own dad says I look ghostly at night so ppl won't mug me.)
So I always say thank you (like a crazed loon) after I get out. Which is probably the reason for its affectionate behaviour towards me.
I hope there isn't some lift ghost. I have my hands full with under-the-bed ghost and the toilet ghost (2/6 inside joke).
Sad things.
1. My revision sucks.
2. I want to run away! But I've no guts. Nor money, actually, due to recent...over-expenditure.*winces. I'll prob try that thing out when I'm 40 and have more time to do impt things like running away and going after what I really want.
3. I am a direction-less dumbo. I mean, when I was lost in Czech or Italy or Thailand or Taiwan,I had pamela with me.Or I was just plain reckless and happy I didn't care if I died or got mugged.
But to get lost in S'pore, freaking hell, after a v v v v v bad day, with 18 gp articles due, 5 people asked, 2 blisters, 1 headache and a dead phone and almost crying.
I actually sat down and wanted to cry but I was facing some stupid bar and I walked past it thrice and this dude kept staring at me because he saw my face. I had to walk past the bar thingy through the corridor so I was so close to all of them. So I looked up, he looked up to my face and one tear rolled down. And yes, there was a stupid bright light above me and he saw. Then his face was like, O: and concern. Freak. Goodness I knew he was coming to talk to me and I up-ed and scooted away.
Anyway I was having such a blast walking around and finding the place I decided not to go after all, (sorry Henry) and continue walking around.
And when I was coming home, as if the day didn't suck enough,a car tried to kill me. First I checked the road near my house (usually no cars) then I crossed, seeing no cars.Then this red car shot out from a corner and came toward me.
In my good mood, I has decided to wear black to match it. So he prob couldn't really see me. I was kinda debating whether to walk a bit quicker when he was almost 4m away. Luckily (given my luck that day this would be a bit of a understatement) the driver saw me and slowed from about 120kph to 40. And immediately after I crossed its path it zoomed right behind me, miraculously picking up speed to about 80kph after 3 secs.
My lesson? Uh, never underestimate cars.
Funny things.
1. Singaporeans are not the unfriendly kind who won't listen when you ask for directions. Seriously! They were all damn nice. So what's with the cynical,unfriendly S'poreans thing I don't get now.
Disclaimer: Some don't take to direction giving well.
2. People here are very sensitive. I saw this guy sitting just after a road junction on the pavement. He had his bag and everything and just sat there. And he wasn't some homeless guy,he was dressed fine. He just sat and looked at people walking. I stared at him awhile too. Interesting. And people looked at him, decided he was okay and went off. On the other hand, some people saw my woeful face and wanted to ask me sth(but I ran away). 1 guy even stopped to stare, walk after me, but I kinda ran away. Again. Then the girl who kindly lent me her phone. And the one who kept smiling at me on the train. Shows people care. S'poreans hard-hearted? I don't think so.
Disclaimer: Not all care,though. And some can be pretty insensitive.
3. I bought apple juice to cheer myself up.The only other alternative was veggie juice or alcohol. It's freaking town! Stock up, man.
Just a bit of advice (if you're still reading this post which have already wasted 10mins of your precious life, unless you're like me who've nth better to do) then don't read your diary, or journal. Or whatever.
Random but yea. Unless you're someone who uses mild phrases and words and steer from expletives.
Because, I read mine. It's so scary, I just kept having goosebumps. I don't think I'd ever read it again. Things were worse than I remembered.Labels: black, dreams, expectations, sad
loved on 1:01 AM
